Burn it Down

Today as I sat in my counselor’s office, we spoke about Kilimanjaro and how it’s quickly approaching. We spoke about various aspects of the trip, and I laid out some of the fears I’ve been wrestling with. One of my fears is that I won’t summit the mountain – that I will have done all this hard work and not accomplish the overall goal, and within that, I will let people down.

She listened to me spew my fears one after the other. She then leaned in and asked,

“What does this mountain represent to you?” 

My first thought was that it doesn’t represent anything. 

Yet, it does.  I sat there and thought on it…

Through tears and with a shaky voice, I spoke what I think this mountain represents to me. 

It represents beginning again and freedom. 

Freedom from all the years of lies I heard and the lies I told myself.

I’ve been envisioning the lies as sticks, sticks being added to a pile that has been growing and growing…for years. I keep turning to the lies, whether someone handed that stick to me, or I picked it up for myself, I just accept it and add it to the pile. 

I am unable to be brave – take the stick. 
I am incapable of doing hard things – take the stick. 
I am not worthy of having or receiving God’s best – take the stick. 
I am too broken – take the stick. 
I am not enough for my family, for my friends, for ministry – take the stick. 
I am weak – take the stick.

Soon, I am surrounded on all sides. Surrounded, stuck and isolated.

But enough is enough. 

I’m burning it down. 

When I take my first step through the Marangu Gate and onto that mountain, it is my way of taking a match and burning down the whole freaking pile of sticks.

There is strength in admitting weakness and there is bravery in beginning again…and again and again…

The victory for me isn’t in taking that final step to the summit – although that would be quite amazing if I can do that!
The victory for me is in that first step, knowing all the countless steps it has taken for me to get even there.
And the victory is in believing God’s Truths, moment by moment; not entombing myself with lies. 

Kilimanjaro isn’t my end goal,

it’s my starting point.

Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith.

Hebrews 12:1-2

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I love to find the beauty in the everyday, ordinary aspects of life because that's what my life is, ordinary; ordinary but beautiful.

3 thoughts on “Burn it Down”

  1. Just to let you know that you will not be letting anyone down, summit or no summit.
    I didn’t give money for you to summit, but to help the kids. I pray for you to be brave.
    and persevere…but most of all that you would come back safe and sound. I didn’t know the extent of your struggles because you haven’t shared them ’til now. And that I in its self is pretty brave in my book. We are doing the Bible study, Experiencing God in our ladies group. It is one of the best I’ve ever done! Maybe y’all could do it some time in 2020. Praying for your journey and new beginnings in the new year.
    PS/ We go our card yesterday…thx! Love you Kiddo❤️

    [Let your good be better and your better be best]

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are beginning the hard part now, according to Matt’s post on Facebook.. We known each other only as familiar faces at Rocky. I think of you often through this trip, even watched a documentary to see what you would experience. As a fellow rocky-ite, and sister in Christ, I am proud of you and smile.when I think of this endeavor for you. I.pray your start flourishes onward to the next first step!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. No matter what happens on the last leg of this journey, all I can say is WOW! This is so much bigger than the summit itself… that God has changed your outlook on some things that have held you back is the real accomplishment! Way to go! Praying fervently for you all over the next 24 hours!

    Liked by 1 person

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